I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
