I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
this is an emotional support booty call
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
