I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
