shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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