you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
