I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
