my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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