Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
