did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
