Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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