why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
