I hate your face
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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