The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
