sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
