so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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