mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
