She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
