Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
