Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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