You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
