the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
