i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im holly from the hills drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
