I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I want you more than these girls want KFC
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
