Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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