nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
