just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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