having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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