Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
