Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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