i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
