I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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