Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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