dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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