dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
