I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Randomize
