what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
