quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
