Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
