using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
