She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
