The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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