pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
