and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
