I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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