Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
