You really coming over, don't trick.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
