I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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