Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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