I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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