I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
