I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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