she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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