I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I cut my penus on the lid.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
