Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
