I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the condom got lost in my hair
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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