just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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